Is it Self-Care or a Distraction?
A few weeks ago, my partner and I had the opportunity to see Gianmarco Soresi at a live comedy show. For those unfamiliar with his work, Gianmarco uses self-deprecating humor and a nihilistic cynicism to describe how his unusual childhood experiences and awkward relationship dynamics with his parents shaped his eccentric personality. I particularly like one joke where he characterizes his 36-year-old self as a 36-floor building with a shaky foundation on the verge of total collapse (https://youtube.com/shorts/AoZ017bLSmc?si=H8f2IMqBbFzymoZj). As an audience member, I find Gianmarco to be absolutely hilarious. But as a professional therapist, I cannot help but wonder if Gianmarco is using his sharp wit and dark sense of humor to either divert away from or work through his personal struggles. Where does one draw the line drawn between self-care and distraction?
Misconceptions About Self-Care
Most people attribute self-care to actions like having a spa day, eating out, or buying oneself a gift. Those activities remind me of that Parks and Recreation episode where Tom and Donna take Ben out for a Treat Yo Self Day. Material indulgences can be highly effective in boosting our morale during low points. Who doesn’t want to occasionally spoil oneself, particularly after going through a rough patch? However, there is only so much food, drinks, presents, and medicine balls can do to support us. Because self-care is really about us learning how to effectively address deficiencies that are currently plaguing our lives.
Where Self-Care is Meant to be Learned
All graduate students enrolled in counseling programs are required to take a class known as Lifespan Development. The primary purpose of this course is to teach emerging mental health clinicians the standard milestones people achieve during each phase of life. For instance, during infancy most people learn to trust their caregivers. This relational bond advances to children progressively becoming more autonomous, which then evolves into adolescents developing a sense of personal identity, young adults forming deep, meaningful relationships with romantic partners, and older adults using their skills to meaningfully contribute to society. Thus, the framework established by parents/caregivers during an individual’s early years greatly influences who they ultimately grow up to be.
In an ideal world, parents guide and protect their children from harm until they are strong enough to fend for themselves. A responsible parent encourages their children to explore society with curiosity, offers validation and empathy when their children feel deficient and alone, and provides comfort and reassurance when their children inevitably fumble and make mistakes. These formative lessons are meant to help children learn how to independently practice self-care so that one day they can become fully-fledged human beings. And yet, many parents fail in their duty to teach children how to adequately take care of themselves.
How Self-Care Gets Sidelined
When relationship hurdles manifest in a child’s life, it is the parents’ job to clarify for the child what is and is not their responsibility in navigating the conflict. For instance, when parents decide to get a divorce, they have an obligation to communicate to their child that the divorce is not their fault and that the emotional disconnect they are currently experiencing with each another does not impact their child’s inherit worth. The parents model for their children how mentally healthy, responsible adults operate when faced with strife. These actions exemplify how self-care is both a conscious and deliberate behavior.
Unfortunately, many parents become so wrapped up in their marital issues that they fail to see how their decisions are negatively impacting the young individuals who require their support and protection. The parents’ dereliction of duties causes their children to become lost and feel abandoned. There are countless psychological research studies confirming that children with poor familial relations are more likely to enter into inpatient treatment during young adulthood (Alm et al., 2020), struggle with social isolation, alcoholism, financial instability in middle adulthood (Berg et al., 2017), and develop an increased risk of dying prematurely (Alm et al., 2019). Children emotionally abandoned by their parents are left picking up the pieces and trying to rebuild their lives in adulthood. Eventually these adults reach a crossroads where they are forced to decide between either confronting a harsh reality or distracting themselves from the truth.
The Crossroad Between Self-Care and Distraction
During the therapeutic process, there is a critical moment that transpires where individuals begin to recognize how challenging it will be to overcome their mental health and relationship issues. For adults who struggle to effectively practice self-care, this breaking point occurs when they realize they will have to teach themselves the lessons their parents never taught them growing up. They have to give themselves permission to fumble about, make mistakes, pick themselves back up, and ultimately figure things out. They have to learn how to become their own parents. This realization for individuals traumatized in their youth is often hard to accept. Every person chooses to grieve in their own way.
Some individuals process their loss by burying their heads in the sand and pretending nothing is amiss. Others will become so overwhelmed that the mere mention of what happened will cause them panic and run away. Lots of people will learn how to distract themselves via purchasing material goods. And yet, many people find effective means of filling the emotional void left by their parents.
Learning How to Independently Practice Self-Care
If you are currently struggling with practicing self-care, I would invite you to ask yourself the following question; “If I was my own caregiver, how would I take care of myself?” If you are feeling lonely, maybe you need to reach out to some close friends or encourage yourself to join a new social club. Perhaps you just achieved a huge career milestone and you want to celebrate your accomplishment. You might consider an expressive art outlet to channel and process your emotions. (Gianmarco has certainly made a successful comedy career out of practicing self-care in his own, unique way.) Or maybe your feelings of anxiety, depression, and hopelessness are trying to tell you that you need some professional support. Therapy can help you fill the void left by your parents. I can teach you how to provide yourself with the comfort, validation, and reassurance you never received as a child.
Click on the link below to begin your journey of self-care.
References
Alm, S., Brolin Låftman, S., & Bohman, H. (2019). Poor family relationships in adolescence and the risk of premature death: Findings from the stockholm birth cohort study. International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health, 16(10), 1690. https://doi.org/10.3390/ijerph16101690
Alm, S., Låftman, S., Sivertsson, F., & Bohman, H. (2020). Poor family relationships in adolescence as a risk factor of in-patient psychiatric care across the life course: A prospective cohort study. Scandinavian Journal of Public Health, 48(7), 726–732. https://doi.org/10.1177/1403494820902914
Berg, N., Kiviruusu, O., Karvonen, S., Rahkonen, O., & Huurre, T. (2017). Pathways from poor family relationships in adolescence to economic adversity in mid-adulthood. Advances in Life Course Research, 32, 65–78. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.alcr.2016.07.001