To the person going through a hard time,
I know that it’s been rough lately. I understand that you have endured many trials and tribulations that have both exhausted and demoralized you. I realize that you have sought out guidance and asked for reassurance from others, only to be discarded and abandoned by your mentors and confidants. You have every right to be angry and bitter at the world. You have tried your best, and it still hasn’t been enough.
In those recurring moments of solitude, you frequently wonder where it all went wrong. You begin to ask yourself questions like….
“How did it come to this?”
“Could I have prevented this from happening?”
“Will I ever recover?”
“Is this my fault?”
These ruminations frequently manifest because you want the explanation for your present predicament. Because you know that if you could fully comprehend what you are experiencing, you would take action and address it. Thus, you keep searching for answers, ever hoping that soon you will be able to fully explain precisely what you are internally going through. And yet, somehow, the solution is frustratingly always just out of reach. It’s so hard not to get angry with yourself for feeling stuck, weak, and incapable.
As a professional therapist specializing in helping individuals overcome their feelings of depression, anxiety, ADHD, and PTSD, I cannot tell you how often I have been with clients struggling with this inner turmoil. People justifiably want to understand what happened to them (Perry & Winfrey, 2021). They seek answers because they rightly believe that the explanation will relieve them of their present pain and discomfort. Unfortunately, many people mistakenly arrive at the wrong conclusions that at bare minimum stagnate their personal growth and at worst shatter their self-perception. I would like to help you catch yourself from falling into those traps. And that starts with redirecting your focus away external factors and back towards your own personal growth.
Returning Focus Back to Yourself
Years ago, during my master’s graduate studies I read a book on psychological trauma called Less Than Human (Smith, 2011). In it, the author asserts that one of the ways people may recover from traumatic experiences is to receive a sincere apology from their perpetrator. On surface level, this makes sense. Who doesn’t want an admission of guilt from those who have wronged them? We all want to be seen, heard, and respected, particularly from those who have wounded us.
Now, I’m sure the author meant well, and there are most likely plenty of instances where reconciliation was possible. But if I am being fully transparent, I always found this viewpoint that people require an apology from their perpetrators in order to heal from their past traumas to be both unrealistic and unhelpful. No person’s emotional health should be beholden to another individual’s decision on whether or not to issue a confession for their past transgressions. Waiting around for someone to have an epiphany that they wronged you is not good for your mental health. You deserve a more productive and insightful examination of your internal dilemmas. In its place I offer you the person-centered counseling philosophy on the process of change.
The Process of Change
In previous blog posts I have talked about the person-centered counseling principles of the self-actualizing tendency and the six necessary and sufficient conditions for change. For a brief refresher, the six necessary and sufficient conditions for change describe the core parameters that must be in place for individuals to self-actualize and become their ideal selves. Humanistic therapists submit that when individuals experience empathy, genuineness, and unconditional positive regard, they will take it upon themselves to look inward and repair the damage done by past traumas in their lives. They will learn how to become whole.
The inherent value of the person-centered approach is that it affords you the ability to reclaim your autonomy and independence. You are not beholden to someone else to fix you. You can give yourself the comfort, validation, respect, and empathy you yearn for in your life. You can be your own advocate. And you can accomplish this feat without needing to chastise or belittle those who have harmed you, including yourself.
Closing Thoughts
As always, I just want you to be kinder to yourself. We all have a tendency to be our biggest critics. But there is a way to navigate your personal growth without resorting to guilting and shaming. I can give you the psychoeducational tools and resources to help you heal yourself. Because learning how to love yourself is the key to living a meaningful and fulfilling life.
Click on the link below to begin your journey on learning how to love yourself.
References
Perry, B. D., & Winfrey, O. (2021). What happened to you?: Conversations on trauma, resilience, and healing. Flatiron Books.
Smith, D. L. (2011). Less than human: Why we demean, enslave, and exterminate others. St. Martin's Press.