The Self-Actualizing Tendency

You’re tired, burnt out, discouraged, and beaten down. Not so long ago you had grand ambitions and dreams for what you wanted to accomplish. But progressively over time all of your plans have gone awry. For a while you still were hanging in there, holding onto hope that eventually things would turn around. But they haven’t. And you don’t know how much longer you can keep going.

So now you are teetering between continuing the good fight or throwing in the towel. In your heart of hearts you know you don’t want to give up. But the constant rejection and disappointment have bruised your ego. And after all, is it really that big of a deal to cut your losses and call it quits? Some might even say that you were smart to get out of the game while you were ahead.

And yet…. Something is holding you back from pulling the trigger and moving on with your life. You cannot help but wonder, “Maybe if I just stuck it out a little longer, I can make it work. I can achieve success. I can become the person who I was always meant to be.” In some ways, it’s kind of annoying that you are so determined to succeed.

The reason why you are so reluctant to give up is because you are inherently wired to want to grow, develop, and reach your full potential. We are all born with a drive to become the best version of ourselves. Mental health professionals characterize this innate human phenomenon as the self-actualizing tendency (Fall et al., 2017). What I find incredibly interesting about the self-actualizing tendency is that there is a sort of prophetic nature about it. When the right elements are put in place, people inevitably become their idealized selves.

The Six Necessary and Sufficient Conditions for Change

The most famous humanistic counselor, Carl Rogers, asserted that the self-actualizing tendency develops within the therapeutic relationship when six core components manifest:

1.      The client begins therapy in a state of incongruence. Their current self-perception is misaligned with the person they wish to become.

2.      The therapist is genuinely content with themselves.

3.      The client and therapist strive to form an authentic relationship with one another.

4.      The therapist has unconditional positive regard for the client, even if they do not fully agree with all of the client’s decisions.

5.      The therapist is empathetic to the client.

6.      The client perceives the therapist’s unconditional positive regard and empathy for them.

According to Dr. Rogers, the amalgamation of these six core components is wholly sufficient for individuals to learn how to self-actualize (Rogers, 1957). Humanistic counselors such as myself are primarily focused on helping you become the best version of yourself simply by striving to form a positive relationship with you.

And I know what you are thinking; How can the solution to your dilemma be so frustratingly simple? Surely there have to be some overly complicated psychological assessments and therapeutic interventions that must be completed prior to finding a solution. But the truth is that although the self-actualizing tendency appears rudimentary, in practice it is incredibly challenging to manifest because it demands a high level of transparency and authenticity from both the therapist as well as from ourselves.

Confronting Hard Truths

To become a fully authentic individual requires for us to see ourselves for who we truly are rather than who we would like to be. We have to acknowledge that maybe some of the harsh criticisms we have heard from significant individuals in our lives were fair and valid. We have to admit that maybe we don’t have it all figured out. We have to be willing to better understand our flaws.

And that’s hard. No one wants to look in the mirror and see their actual selves. So, in order to protect our egos, we either shift the blame, bury our heads in the sand, or kick the can down the road; Rather than admit that we fucked up, we say the other person is the real culprit. Instead of acknowledging that there is a glaring issue within our romantic relationship that needs to be addressed, we pretend it doesn’t exist. We dream of a future we want for ourselves, but don’t take the necessary steps to make it a reality because we are so terrified of failing. And every time we choose to focus on other people or dilemmas, we hold ourselves back from growing and evolving.

Your Inherit Power

I know the temptation is to fight back and defend yourself. I understand that sometimes people are dicks, and it feels as though the odds are stacked against you. But this isn’t about addressing those outside problems. We’re here for you. We’re here to help you better understand yourself. Professional therapy is about learning how to hone your strengths and accept your areas of growth so that you can address them head on and work towards becoming your idealized self.

Once you learn how to take the mask off, to see yourself for who you truly are, you will discover what you’re really made of. Your power will be limitless. And there will be no stopping you from achieving greatness.

Click on the link below to begin your self-actualization journey.

References

Fall, K. A., Holden, J. M., & Marquis, A. (2017). Theoretical models of counseling and psychotherapy (3rd ed.). Routledge. https://doi.org/10.4324/9781315733531

Rogers, C. R. (1957). The necessary and sufficient conditions of therapeutic personality change. Journal of Consulting Psychology, 21(2), 95–103. https://doi.org/10.1037/h0045357