Four Factors to Consider Before Restarting a Relationship
When I was twenty-seven, one of my exes reached out to rekindle our relationship. At the time, I was conflicted about whether or not I wanted to reengage with him. Looking back, I wish that I had all the psychoeducational knowledge that I now currently possess. Below are several factors that you may wish to consider before restarting a romantic relationship with your ex.
#1: The Cause of the Breakup
In order to move forward, we must first reflect upon what originally caused the initial version of the relationship to end. Understanding both you and your partner’s perceptions of what transpired is crucial before determining how to proceed. Did your partner have an affair? Were there disagreements about finances, the children, or long-term goals? Was someone forced to move locations because of their work obligations or career aspirations? As your therapist, I place an extremely high value in hearing your viewpoint on the primary cause(s) of the breakup. And I would ask of you to confirm with your partner if they agree with your assessment. Can both of you reach a consensus on the story behind the breakup or do each of you have contrasting viewpoints on what happened? Once we have established the narrative of the initial breakup, we can then proceed to talking about how you would like to move forward.
#2: You and Your Partner’s Goals
Okay. So, let’s say that both you and your partner agree on what caused the split in the first place. The next factor to consider is what you hope to gain by getting back together. Are you wanting to be lifelong partners once again? Would you like to redefine the parameters of the relationship? A common theme I see in my line of work is that one individual may prefer to be in a committed relationship while their partner would rather transition towards a more open relationship. Or maybe both of you have ultimately decided that you want something a little more casual or outside of the typical societal norms. My point is that all individuals within the relationship must authentically share what they want out of the relationship in order to decide if this relationship is right for them.
#3: Risk vs. Reward
When my clients share their desires to get back with an ex, I ask them what they are willing to risk (and potentially sacrifice) in order to give their relationship another shot. I imagine that the initial breakup was incredibly hurtful and heartbreaking. As your therapist, I feel very protective of you. I want to shield you from the potential pain of not feeling good enough. But I am also aware that romantic relationships cannot be mended unless both individuals are willing to be vulnerable with one another and give it another shot. And I will support you in whatever decision you make, as long as you feel it is the right course of action.
#4: What’s Changed?
The primary question I ask all of my clients seeking to reestablish their love lives is, “How has your relationship changed since the initial breakup?” For instance, if miscommunication was the primary hurdle the first time around, what will each of you do differently to ensure that does not happen again? Are you willing to share your genuine wants and needs to your partner, even if you are terribly anxious about a potential pushback from them? How will each of you communicate your boundaries with one another so that no one feels used or taken advantage of within the relationship?
Thankfully, professional counseling is extremely beneficial in repairing strained relationships. Over the years, I have helped many individuals transition away from feeling hopeless and alone in the world towards feeling confident and empowered. I utilize my PhD-level counseling training to help my clients better understand their relationship dynamics with their partners, uncover their relationship aspirations, and provide them with the psychoeducational tools necessary to help them manifest their ideal love lives. And I want to be a source of comfort, reassurance, and helpfulness for you during this tumultuous time in your life.
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